GAF - Features - Glossary

The GAF Glossary

We here at GAF have a giant vocabulary, and know more about games than you AND your grandma. Don't give me that look. It's just the fact of the situation. Unfotunately, such being the case, we may sometimes use words you cannot understand. This isn't our fault, it's yours for being so ridiculously ignorant. I mean, honestly, we know you're all a bunch of monkeys. We put up with you because we don't know where you live.

We're still working on a way to locate all of you and take you out. As it is, we're going to have to put up with you unwashed masses a little while longer. So, I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and educate you all as to what the complex terms we use mean exactly, in layman's terms, because I'm sick of getting E-mails asking me what a "controller" or a "joystick" are. Honestly, what's wrong with you people?!

So, here you have it. This may be expanded over time if I feel like it.

1st Party
Causes blindness and hairy palms in Nintendo executives.

2nd Party
Soul's momma.

3rd Party
Gets sloppy seconds on yo' money…and Soul's momma.

989 Studios
Cold blooded franchise killer.

Action
You will be required to press the X button faster than you are entirely comfortable with.

Adventure
You look at it from above, and someone has a sword.

Arcade
“Sing Pac-Man Fever!!”

Battle System
The part of an RPG where you can stop paying attention and start pressing X.

Bit
The Bit is a mysterious phenomenon. While gaming scholars will suggest that it is a term referring to the amount of colors the console can manage at once, modern, brain dead gamers see it as a magical device to which they ascribe many magical powers; including but not limited to Creation.

Based On the Hit Movie
Put down the box, friend. Nobody has to get hurt.

Capcom
Prolific.

Cel Shading
A technique used in 3D games to make three dimensional objects appear to be to be two dimensional, and often very cartoon like. Currently very much in vogue. May remind you of the time your friend got polygon all over your sprite, and then you got sprite all over his polygon, and then you thought, “hmm, this might taste pretty good on bread.”

Character Designer
Pervert.

CGI
Computer Generated Ire.

Cheeto Dust
Prime sign a gamer has touched ye, O unknown posterior.

Cinematic
The RP in RPG.

Controller
A device with two purposes: Providing input to your gaming consoles, and demolishing walls.

Crazy Taxi
It's time for some Cuh-raaaaaaaaaaaaazy Taxi!!

Crystal Meth
Destroys your entire body rapidly. Also helps you with Everquest. And that makes it all worth it, right?

Cut Scenes
The part of XenoGears during which you may make and consume several delicious ham sandwiches. And play a couple rounds of Battle Toads. And knit an oven mitt.

Daikatana
No gag required.

Design
The phase Ephemeral Phantasia never went through.

Dreamcast (DC)
The house that Sega built, that fell over on Sega, crushing it to death.

Dungeon
Repetitive.

Ephemeral Phantasia
Worst game ever.

Famicom
Japanese for Nintendo. Er…

Fan Art
Just another excuse for a lonely gamer to draw somebody's boobies.

Fan Fiction
When a fan loves a game so much she has to mutilate its story beyond all recognition.

Female Genitalia
A complete mystery to anyone who truly understands these jokes.

Final Fantasy
Not nearly as final as you'd like.

FMV
Pretty movies. Also known as, “the only reason to play Legend of Dragoon.”

Fun
Antonym: Ephemeral Phantasia.

GameCom
One word, a thousand punch lines, all ending in “because it sucked ass.”

Gamecube (GC)
Adorable grape flavored system. Has been known to teach gamers how to love again.

GameBoy Advance (GBA)
A handheld gaming system that might qualify for the title of “tiny God,” if not for its screen, which light cannot escape.

Genesis (GEN)
Remember when your only choice was between Nintendo and Sega? This is why.

Joystick
Phallic version of the controller. Sits atop our lovely site, making porn filtering programs and nosy mothers blink once, twice, thrice.

J-Pop
Easily compared to punching yourself in the crotch. With a brick. Over and over and over and over.

Kirby
Puffy, pink, and loves to suck.

Leveling
The act of wasting time, distilled into its most perfectly boring form. Combines all the excitement of the Battle System with Random encounters.

Lunar
New and improved every other year. Except for the “new” part.

Mac
See PC. Then add to that description: Comes in a variety of fruity flavors.

Manual
The paper thingy in the game's package, which you will only bother reading if there is a long drive between you and your game systems.

Mario
A jumpy Italian plumber, all hopped up on 'shrooms. He's also the single most boring character in Super Smash Brothers; even more boring than Yoshi.

Microsoft
The mad scientist responsible for unleashing the ginormous X-Box.

MMORPG
Stands for Mreally Mfreaking Ohuge Rwaste Pof Gtime.

Monkey
Likes delicious bananas and Monkey Balls.

Mortal Kombat
To blame for everything bad that any child ever did. Just like Rock & Roll and tabletop role-playing games, you ninny.

Ninny
An idiot. You ninny.

Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)
Puttering little 8bit system responsible for saving the industry, and simultaneously ruling it with an iron fist. It is said that Old Man Yamuchi, the legendary beast who created the NES, had his heart replaced by one of these twenty years ago.

Nintendo 64
“CD's?! We don't need no steenkin' CD's!”

Nostalgia
The proverbial rose-colored glasses of gaming. Known for making Final Fantasy 6 look good.

Pac-Man
Bald is beautiful.

PC
A word processor which will try to trick you into thinking it can play video games. Do not listen. It will freeze the first time you give it a chance, and never stop again.

Platformer
There will be jumping. There will be collection of things. Unless Mario is somehow involved, you will likely be sorry you bothered.

Playstation (PS)
A blessing from the Gods, to show me they were grateful for that time I did that thing for them, in that place. You're welcome.

Playstation 2 (PS2)
Remember the monoliths in those 2001 books? It's kind of like that. But smaller.

Pokémon
Adorable, highly collectable demon.

Polygon
A three dimensional shape. Before the appearance of today's giant super computers, they tended to look like crap. Now they only look awful about half of the time. This, gentleman, is progress.

Power-up
[Insert tired Viagra joke here. Then laugh. Then punch yourself in the crotch, you ninny.]

Pre-Rendered
Fuzzy.

Random
Boring.

Rare
…ly held responsible for the evil that is the DK rap.

Reviews
The section of this site that nobody reads.

Rhythm Game
Hey homie G, follow my instructions 'cause I'm cooler than thee. Press I. (1, 2, 3, 4) Now S. (1, 2, 3, 4) Now U. (1, 2) And C! (1, 2) Now K! (1, 2) Now you rappin' good! (1, 2, 1 2 3 4). You have just played a rhythm game. … No, I don't get it either.

RPG
A story-based game, in which you will either play a spunky adventuring 14 year old boy who ends up falling in love, and saving the world from repeating its mistakes of a thousand years ago, along with defeating an ancient evil, and learning somebody menacing is actually your father, who has been looking out for you all along. OR, you can be Squall Leonhart.

RPG Elements
Any game claiming to have “RPG Elements” will most likely require two RPG-related skills from you: Reading the story in the instruction manual and possibly an introductory FMV, and recognizing numbers.
RTS
Really Truly Starcraft.

Saturn (SAT)
A three hundred pronged attack on your bank account.

Shooter
A game in which you may forego all buttons but whichever one means “shoot.” You won't win anyway.

Sites That Aren't Us
Not nearly as cool as Sites That Are Us.

Sprite
A two dimensional image. Rarely prominently featured outside of niche titles after the invention of the polygon, because most people seem to like having their eyes desecrated by boxy characters and slipshod environments.

Square
As good with money as they are at controlling their sick chocobo fetish.

Subtitle
The exact point at which a game's name becomes too long. For instance: This sentence is really, really, incredibly long, and after a colon.

Super Smash Brothers
What would Jesus do?

Survival-Horror
Things will come through windows. (See Also: Penny Arcade)

T&A
See Tifa, and Tomb Raider.

Texture Map
The stuff that goes on the surface of a polygon. Until recently, like everything in 3D games, they were boxy and ugly.

The Brakes
Something you should never, ever use. Except to power slide.

Tifa
Boobies.

Tomb Raider
Ass.

Translation
The part of game creation requiring the least knowledge of English.

Treme
Often victimized by X.

Volume
The thing you turn aaaaall the way down whenever using your Nintendo 64.

Voice Actor
See Tomb Raider.

Wonderswan
The gaming industry's best kept secret. Even if you manage to obtain one, a shiny light will beam it up into space while you sleep.

Working Designs
True love waits.

X
Letter attached to things to make them seem cool, without rhyme or reason.

Xbox
Godzilla's greatest rival and favorite gaming console.

Zappe
A name given by my little brother to all of his fire-type Pokémon, and the only thing I could think of that started with Z.

Zelda
Something a lot more obvious that also starts with Z.

Zone Of the Enders
Why not?

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