Review
Release Date: 08.29.2006
Platform:
PSPDeveloper:
High Voltage Software, Inc.Publisher:
Vivendi Universal GamesReviewed by
Ryan Dean on 11.5.2006
| Review Rating: 3/10 | User Rating: 2.8/10 |
I recently received
50 Cent: Bulletproof for the PSP. I guess I'm supposed to write a review about it.
As soon as the game is in your hands you can't help but say, "Grr, he looks tough!" because 50 Cent is on the cover! The cover art almost makes it look like 50 is staring you down, like you're about to get
iced or take a shot to the
dome. I'm not going to lie to you guys, I really wish I could be as cool as 50. So when I found an official
50 Cent: Bulletproof G-Unit Edition shirt in the package the game came with, I went
insane. When looking at the mass of cloth, some of you may think it's just some ordinary extra-large white t-shirt featuring some logo, but as soon as you slip it on you can't help but want to play the game! Try it!
Unfortunately, the shirt is the best part of the whole "G-Unit Edition" deal and while I have one, it doesn't come with the game at retail. I realize I can't wear the shirt in public (or play this game in public), but it's nice for bumming around the house. The game, however, is not as enjoyable!
Bulletproof puts you in the role of, you won't believe this, 50 CENT HIMSELF. Contain your emotions people, you may not be playing the game you think you are. This isn't a lighthearted adventure where 50 learns how to share and discovers the true meaning of caring. This game is all about "criminal conspiracy with international implications" and stuff like that. Heavy things, 50.
In an ideal world I wouldn't have to explain why this doesn't work, but this obviously isn't an ideal world. 50, sir, you can't have a game about a gangster that fights against "powerful gangs and crime syndicates" be you! Fifty is the person we see in music videos running around with
bitches and hoes and playing with iPods. Because of 50 needing to be the main character of a game featuring one hundred sixty tracks of his music, authentic G-Unit clothing, and Sha Money XL (what), everything is ridiculous. This idea could have worked, it really could have, but not with 50 being the guy from the rough streets that rises up to stop crime in America.
While 50 may not work out as a playable character, he is one damn fine narrator. Whenever I'm hit up by a tip in a game I'm usually frustrated as hell, like "Man, let me play my game, sheesh." But in
Bulletproof, the tips are hip, fresh, and to the point! Instead of "Move your character to the red circle by using the analog stick" we're given "Yo, check that shit out".
Hella tight.
When you actually start playing and thinking for yourself, everything is pretty simple. The analog stick is used for movement, the triangle button is used to select your weapon, Circle is for grapplin', Square is for "roughin shit up", X for menu select, dialogue, the standard action button. These buttons become really important when you decide it is time to kill things. When killing a homeless man, I'm told there are
hundreds of ways to kill him, but this is probably assuming the man is holding different weapons and such. The game claims to be deep, but it really isn't. In fact, the game rarely delivers on anything it promises. If you plan on attempting to enjoy the game, just don't read anything on the game. I'd advise you not to read this review, but if you've come this far, you might as well go until the end. Oh, don't look at the case if you buy the game, because that's where you're told about all the nifty features that are really crap or don't exist.
The gameplay is mainly collect and kill. I've already explained why killing is so disappointing, but some of the kill animations are BRILLIANT. This is not sarcasm, people: I really enjoy the kill scenes. Let's say 50 sees some thug walking down the street with a
two by four and he wants to start something. Is 50 going to take him as a human shield? Pry information out of him? Let him live so he can turn his life around? Hell no, this is
50 Cent, number one ice cold killa. 50 just rips the 2x4 out of the poor guy's hands, smashes him across the face with it, th'en stomps his head.
I knew there would be something cool about this game.
Remember some of that crazy
Sony talk prior to the PSP's release about how the system was actually more powerful than the PS2? Let's pretend that is true. Wouldn't that mean PSP games should look better than PS2 games? If not, how about on the same level as PS2 games? Surely not any worse, right? Okay okay, maybe they'll look better than PS1 games, any worse than
that would be ridiculous.
Bulletproof does indeed look just a little bit better than a PS1 game, no lies here. Maybe some of the game's best models and textures and graphical things are covered up by the horrible camera angles, but the stuff we can see is pretty terrible. No getting around that. There is no possible way I can use the words sleek, slick, polished, or kinda-sorta-nice and feel good about it tomorrow.
But luckily for us, 50 went all out on the audio. We've got over one hundred sixty songs by Cent and the crew. Excuse me, I mean we've got about thirteen tracks featuring 50 and 147 seventy second long instrumentals "wrote" by 50. Nothing to write home about. Sound effects are disappointing, voice overs are alright.
I don't know how I can scare you off with one of my nice, witty conclusions, so I'm going to be
straight up real with you: Pass this one up.
Don't buy this game. If you need a
GTA experience with rap music, buy
Liberty City Stories (pretty cheap now) and grab a CD or MP3 player featuring the gangsta of your choice. Stay G-Unit and keep your head up, kids.
